I'm traveling with Katie, my roommate from tour número two, and we've been excited to experience the Philipines since we decided to do it around two weeks before.
This time, we decide to do it properly. We book ourselves a flight in, a flight out seven days later, one night in Manila - the capital - and that's it. We didn't want to love somewhere and have to leave, or hate somewhere and be stuck.
This country is made up of over seven thousand tiny islands, all with fairly accessible airports or ports. Flying is definitely the best option. Honestly. Listen to what I'm saying.
Every island has azure water, pristine white sand beaches, corals that divers around the world fly in for and crystal clear skies. That's about where the fun ends.
Our week has certainly been the adventure we were looking for.
Our hostels are horrible - even when we pay more for a nicer hotel - it's still horrible.
We're stopped from flying because I have a bloodshot eye - despite catching an infection on a Philippino flight one day earlier.
We're lied to and scammed - much more than in South East Asia.
No one will help you for nothing. We can't get directions, people don't give us straight answers, men leer at us if we ask for help and staff in hostels/airports/bus terminals say they don't know the answer to our questions.
For example, Katie drops her phone down a drain in the road. The first guy she asks for help wants sexual favours in return. The second guy helps, but tells her he can't get it, and as she walks away, fishes it out and slips it into his pocket. Wonderful people I tell you.
Is it because the Philippines is the road less travelled? I'm not sure. Where everyone else on the continent has been fairly friendly and welcoming, these islands are not the same.
False advertising is normal. It doesn't go where it says it goes. If it says it's free, it's not. If they say they have wifi they don't.
And you have to pay for everything.
To enter an airport there's a fee. There's then a baggage handling fee, an excess baggage fee, a terminal fee, and maybe even sometimes they'll charge you when they scan your bag.
Taxi or tricycle drivers will quote you a price and then add onto it as the journey progresses - a toll fee, or if they take a wrong turn they want you to pay for their mistake.
Restaurants will add on both service charge and vat - for serving you bad food and standing scowling at you whilst you eat.
When you travel by ferry, you have to pay a terminal fee, a ticket fee, the ticket, the seat and then for some guy to take your luggage on.
Everything mounts up. Nothing is as much as you think it will be. The Phillipines is expensive.
Because I'm not allowed to fly, our very first day proves interesting. Manila is horrible, it's easiest to transit through so by all means do, but if you can help it, don't stay there.
We get to our hostel at 1am and leave again at 7am. We then don't get to our next destination until 12 noon the next day. We take a taxi to the bus station, a two hour bus to the coast, an hour ferry to the next island, a four hour van to the south of that island, wait around 4 hours, take a 4 hour midnight ferry to the next island, sleep somewhere for 4 hours and then take a ten minute boat to the island we actually wanted to be on.
Did you follow that?
We could have flown for £20 and it would have taken one hour. Such is life.
Boracay is beautiful. It has all the aforementioned, along with lovely restaurants, hotels and bars. It really is stunning. Shame about the people. And our hostel definitely wasn't one of the lovely hotels. And nor was it cheap.
We spend two days here relaxing before finally managing to find wifi for long enough to book a flight to the next place. There are boats, buses, taxis and planes all involved again, but this journey only takes 9 hours instead of 29.
Bohol is our next spot. It's home to the worlds smallest primate - the Tarsier monkey - and the UNESCO world heritage site "The Chocolate Hills."
We arrive in our 'nicer' hotel to find that they aren't on the beach - rather a rock face - they also aren't even near a beach, their wifi doesn't work at all, they have no laundry service (when they said they did,) they are a good forty minutes from anything, including a restaurant and even a taxi, and their own restaurant has nothing in it.
Now, don't get me wrong, wifi is not the most important thing, we can certainly chill and enjoy ourselves without it, but when we have nothing else booked and need to do research, we need wifi. The hotel is a shambles, but I guess by this point we're just not expecting anything less.
I feel like the Philippines just isn't a backpacker spot. If you're on your honeymoon, or have plenty of money to stay in a five-star resort where your bank balance means you get better service, then it would be a completely different country. But can't you say that about everywhere?
If you're a diver, here is where you need to be. If you want, you can hire mopeds and motorbikes and escape into the enchanting jungle and countryside - visit the chocolate hills and monkeys and all sorts of wildlife like we did - or just chill on a beach that doesn't seem real. It is beautiful. I just didn't like it.
We leave our hotel in Bohol at 10.45am and arrive in our hotel in Sandakan, Borneo, at 2.45pm the next day. This time it was a ferry, a delayed flight, a 5 hour wait, another flight that I was once again nearly told I couldn't embark on due to a not-fully-healed eye infection (THAT I GOT IN YOUR BLOOMIN COUNTRY,) a longer wait and then a six hour bus. We've become pros at this walking zombie thing.
Puka beach, famous for its "inside out" seashells and beautiful landscape. Around 20 minutes in a tuk-tuk but so worth it as its tourist free most of the time. Chill out in this paradise.
The Chocolate Hills in Bohol are 1262 volcanic deposits that depending on the season change in colour. In dry season they are brown, and do look like mountains of chocolate, but in glorious rainy season they are a beautiful lush green colour. An absolute sight to behold and an incredible part of the island.
Not everyone's cup of tea I can imagine. I still think they're the ugliest thing I've ever seen. The Tarsier is the worlds smallest primate and is native to the Southern Philippine Islands and Borneo. It's a nocturnal animal, so when you visit it's sanctuary you have to be quiet and considerate. None of us are happy when we're disturbed from our sleep are we?
So as we enjoy our short time in the beautiful Malaysian island of Borneo, I hope you're enjoying December!
Where has the year gone, eh?
These LonelyPlanet warriors are signing out!
S x
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